I’m so angry at the fact that this is the 2nd time I’m writing this blog because by some nightmare I was typing away and pressed some button and all the words on the screen disappeared and of course I was almost at the end. AND guess what I normally hand write my blogs but thought I’m not doing that anymore its such a waste of time. I’ll just type it straight onto the program. FFS!!!! #$%$@#**&!& not the case. So yes with pen and paper old school me is writing it down. And let’s see how much I can remember from the first one.
Ok so I guess I’m going to be talking a little bit about myself in this one and I’m sorry about that, not sure why I’m sorry I’m sorry all the time when its not necessary.****** Why do we say sorry all the time for no reason? Is is because everyone has an opinion about everyone these days or the lack of self confidence? Does it just make us feel better? Who knows? but I guess I say sorry at least 30 times a day. I’m hoping to help fellow readers who have this same feeling as me. Here goes.
“The worst part of depression & anxiety is the people who don’t have it just don’t get it.”
Saw this on good old facebook as one of those picture quote things and I would just like to say a big fuck you whoever thinks this. (I’m sorry I don’t mean that but really come on. By the way this is just one tiny little opinion and it’s mine) I don’t have depression or anxiety, but I guarantee I know what it looks like and when it breaths its fiery breath. I do understand it. I know when it can take hold of someone and make them sweat, tremble and feel as if they are going to have a heart attack. But just because I don’t get these feelings doesn’t mean I don’t understand how it can take a hold of someone and eat them up inside. Maybe in my early 20’s I didn’t get it but now I’m quite aware of what can happen to a person. Just because us people don’t have it doesn’t mean we don’t have our horrid and self doubting days as well.
Sometimes I feel as if I’m judged on the fact I don’t have anxiety or depression that I’m not allowed sympathy when I feel as I have the lowest self esteem and doubt myself. I’m actually scared to post this blog because of the fact that my writing is crap and I’m afraid of upsetting or making someone feeling insulted by what I’m saying. I’m so sorry if by the end of reading this blog you feel that way. (There is that sorry.) This is the last thing I want to do. I just want to help people understand the other side of mental illness. The side that doesn’t have it. But deals with it on a daily basis. I watch friends and loved ones at times at the lowest of lows and hate the fact I can’t help them. I try to. I listen and I may not be able to fix the problem but I can be there and be understanding of their situation. I have many people that I love and care about that are fighting a fight of the horrible black dog and just remember us that are not, still have compassion and sympathy for them and can also be battling different types of feelings. Hmmmmm In my head all of this makes sense but on paper or should I say computer sometimes it comes out wrong.
I may not have anxiety but I have an overbearing sadness when it comes to disappointing people. And the constant questioning of myself and the decisions that I make. I will try and explain this now with the situation that I’m in at the moment. It may not make sense to you, because to be honest doesn’t really make sense to me, but we can’t hold back the way that we feel. Here goes… I’m getting married for the 2nd time and though this should be a happy time in my life I’m full of dread, self doubt and fearful of people judging the crap out of me. So I’m not in doubt of getting married again or my husband to be I love him very much and very excited about being his wife. But its the many many people that may have an opinion from friends and family. I keep thinking about the family and friends that have already contributed to a wedding, but what about my partner he hasn’t done this before. This isn’t fair on him. For the people that know me know that all I want is for everyone I love to be happy and I know you can’t please everyone but why why not? To know that someone isn’t happy with the decisions that I make I can’t deal. This is my depression and anxiety. Some of my friends just tell me to do what you want, don’t let anyone rain on your parade and in true honesty we are never going to please everyone. Here is more doubt 5 Bridesmaids. They all don’t know who they are and I’m already scared if they think I’m going to insult them in this blog but 5 girls, 5 different personalities, 1 dress. AAAAGGGHHHH nightmare. I know that they would all be honored to be up there by my side and I’m so lucky to have them in my life but I’m horrified if they don’t tell me the truth about dress, hair, makeup and end up hating me (you hear of so many stories and I don’t want that) It goes on and on the thoughts in my head and I just give up and stop thinking about it. People may think I’m being stupid or pathetic but seriously who doesn’t feel like this. Sorry girls i love you very much.
I’m so very lucky to have amazing people in my life and to have captured the love in this photo.
Now not for a second am I reaching out for sympathy, I’m just wanting people to be aware that just because I don’t have a mental illness doesn’t mean I don’t understand. We live and breath it in different ways. I have the worse self doubt in all aspects of life. Maybe what I’m getting at is why do we need to put labels on people and the way that they deal with problems but just try and understand that every single person is fighting their own battle weather small or big, but maybe all it takes is to smile at a stranger or give a friend a hug if they don’t seem themselves.
We should all remember this every single day
And guys I haven’t told all my story because I have a little person on my shoulder saying “noone wants to hear about your crap.” The fact of it all is I don’t think I have completely got my point across but I also don’t want to give away to much of myself just yet or upset anyone. I wanted to start somewhere though and I want to write these blogs. Some will be crap and some will be even bigger crap but hopefully just hopefully someone even if its just one person can relate and know they aren’t alone or maybe some one will read this and make my decisions for me. That would be great. Apply within hahahah. Just in comments. Job going for decision making.
Until next time Happy Monday & look out for loved ones that maybe doing it tough especially this time of year. Meant to be the season to be jolly, but watch out for those signs of sadness. And remember quoted by Ben Lee
“We are all in this together.”
frankieellen 